Gaaaaaah! We have to wait till Friday to find out about the grant!! I am pulling out my hair. The grant would pay partly for me just to sit and write for a few months while I go to school again in the spring!! At least no one has said that we are not getting the money!! There are worse things than having to wait on life a bit!!
I have not heard from the BOY today,..Annie's son. I will call tomorrow and see what is going on there!

Being different,...in spite of popular opinion,..is no sin. Thinking and perceiving the activities and the actions of others in a way that is different than the way that other folks perceive events could merely mean that a person,..who is different, could add an original twist on how an individual's life course or actions could be played out in the grand arena of our existence. Some folks,..havng limited purviews,...regarde any difference of expression or representation of thought as a threat to THEIR continued existence or dominance in their continued existence. I am reeling under the implication of this thought!!

I have to go buy a new coat!! I also have to figure out what to say when the little old ladies get so damned enthusiatic. For goodness sakes!

At least the clerks at the Mini-Mart have figured out that I come in there to buy milk and eggs and not have them grab my upper arms and shriek out at me so loudly that even I can hear their voices,.."You changed my life with that book! I read it!!"

Fine! Dandy! Just peachy! I helped write the darned book, I have to still buy milk and bread for my family to use!

Rosezelle's turn will comes when her "Blackheart" book comes out! She laughs at me now, but wait till she can't buy bread and milk and gasoline and people start following her around and staring at her in church!! See how much she likes it!!

Well,..they had them packed into the Women's Club this morning!! I am surprised that they didn't have some folks hanging from the lighting fixtures!!
We made about four hundred dollars from book sales and I think that is a goodly amount of money to make for speaking for just one hour!!
I won't even discuss the speaker's fee!! Heh! That was icing on the cake!!

I have blisters on my fingers from signing my autograph!! Humility is not my strong point at this moment! I got hugged and kissed so many times by so many old ladies..that I am going to put up a sign,.."Have already washed my face! Don't drool on the speaker!!"

Then,..there was the usual, "God bless you! You must be a Saint!"
All that makes me feel as if someone have just made me eat a piece of cake that had a layer of sugery icing about two inches thick!! Baaaaargh!!
I like the little old ladies as individuals,..I really do,..getting mobbed by them is an experience that I would not wish on ANYONE!!
No matter where I went in the hall,..I was a queen bee in a mass of buzzing little seventy and eighty year old admirers..about a hundred and fifty of them all at the same time and suddenly,..I had to go to the bathroom..really bad!! Acccccccccck!
I handed my red coat and bundle of books to one of the little old ladies and asked her to hold them for me!! (Bad me! Evil me!!) The mass of buzzing little blue haired bees followed my coat and the stack of books to the side of the room...my decoy worked!!
With only about fifteen ancient admirers attached,..I made it to the ladie's room in the Women's Club Hall!! Then,...I got through the bathroom door and into a stall and got the stall locked.
Two peeked over the tops of the stall from the stalls on either side at me!! I smiled up at them and told them that I didn't need any help!!
After being witness to my bodily functions,...my admirers allowed me to wash my hands after much hugging and kissing all around and then,..I went back out to look for my book bundle and my coat!! I could find neither!

THAT LITTLE OLD WOMAN..STOLE MY COAT!! IT WAS COLD OUTSIDE!!

I was given a coat a size too small for me and assured that whoever had swiped my coat and books..would be drummed out of the Women's Club!! Rosezelle was laughing her ass off at me all of the way back to her office!!
I sincerely doubt it that my coat will show up on "Ebay," but I have a feeling that some little old hi-jacker of "speaker's" coats is going to make a "killing" with it at the next silent auction held by the Literary Ladies Group of this Women's Club!

A few moments ago,..Rosezelle called me into her office and told me that she had just gotten a call from the Literary Arts Chairlady the Faith United, Faith Universal Women's Club. This is one of the"Toniest" "ladies" groups in Canton..Ohio. My good friend was very excited about this.
She did,..however,..crack a smile when I asked her why she was so happy to be talking to the Ladies of FU-FU!! Then,..she picked up on the F-U connotation and threw a book at me!! I don't know if English speakers will get the joke!!

Elegy for Annie....



She is almost gone,

..But time remains,

..And the world remains,

..And her family remains,

..And her BOY remains,

..And her friends remain,

..And even her enemies remain,

..And her Love for all of us remains,

..And that is why I can remain

..Without Annie.

I have to meet Rosezelle for lunch and talk about the program that we are going to do for the three hundred ladies at the Women's Club on Monday morning. This should lead to more speaking engagements,..I hope.

Things are "go" on the writing grant!!! I believe it is just a question of how much money we are getting. I should know by Monday afternoon!!
I have to send out a bunch of books and things in the "first of the month mailing" and I really hope that I will have a nice surprise for both Shakespeare and Questing Truth.
I got Dancing Wind's birthday present back again. Why am I seemingly the only person in the world with bouncing "snail-mail?" I have been sending out and getting back copies of books that I sent Sippi and P.E. for over a year!!
DO I NEED NEW GLASSES?
Maybe Bill is right and this is an issue that I have been too stubborn about.

Life stinks when one has infected sinuses. Life positively reeks when one also has a stomach infection. Throw in puking on top of everything else and a new low in human existense has been reached!!
(Gives off LOUD TROLLISH MOANS!)
Ahhhhhhh yes! My four cats are sharing in my misery. I have not fed them yet and they feel slighted from the emptiness in their collective little bellies. Meeeeee-oooow,..roooow Roooo!
We are all howling together about the unfairness of life and how we will all collectively do something about it as soon as we all feel better!!
Acccccck! Tipper is throwng up hairballs all over my clean white sheets!! Bad kitty!!!!!! Well,..guess what I am going to do on HIS cat bed!!!!
There is a horrendous rainstorm going on outside. I should be typing up a story,..but I think that I will go puke.....instead!!
Barrrrrrgh!!!!!

Going to visit Annie is getting to be one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life. How can one so young have so many hardships inflected upon them?
Dying,..indeed,..robs a person of their dignity.

I am still working on the BOY and Annie's story. I have not spent so much time on anything for a long time. I went to see her the other night and for a while,..she did not know me. It's easy to see that she is losing her eye sight. She was following the sound of my voice more that she was watching me.
Half the time that she was talking to me,..her eyes kept rolling back in her head. That was an eery sight!! Have you ever talked to someone,...who is showing only the whites of their eyes?
I placed my hand first on her chest and then her back,..and I could feel the mucus rattling like a diamondback in her lungs!! Her skin is as white as if she had already died.
Before I left,..she asked me if i had written her story. I had to say , "No! I am still working on it!!'

The BOY,..Annie's son,..asked where his story was last night. I had to explain that it will take me time to write the story as I am taking care of two sister-in-laws, who are both approaching eighty years of age,..my own household,..complete with Bill and his dad,..two home care clients,..visiting their homes and on 24 hour a day call,..working on a new manuscript with someone,..who (thank God..has the patience to put up with my piddling around,..researching another book about a deaf man, which I have promised Rosezelle will be started soon,)..taking book orders for Densmore Reid,..taking book orders for an internet aquaintance..(her book is about the supernatural and is SELLING BETTER in these parts than my "do-gooder" book is..does that tell you something??..(the girl CAN write!!!!),..and preparing for six speaking engagements..the next of which will be Sept. 29 here in Massillon!! We might even be doing another Kentucky speaking tour!!

Whoop! Whoop!!

I have a quilt to send off to a friend,..I found it in my husband's old barn and he can remember seeing it as a child there! The damned old rag is faded and is older than he is!! She can have it if she wants it!! My husband is making me keep all the rest of his family's old junk and as usual Bill is asking disgusted because I don't value his family's heritage!!

I will finish that story for Annie and the BOY as soon as I can,..however!!

I have to go take care of Ro,..my client with the post-polio syndrome,..in a little less than an hour. Her wire-chewing kitty seems to be losing weight. Most likely, the damn cat has an electrically-burned mouth from chewing all of those control wires into two pieces on Ro's bed!!
I checked the aquarium and there is one less fish in there since last time I was here. That cat's mouth can't be burned too badly!! Ro knows that I don't eat goldfish!!

Why are people always asking me to do things that I don't want to do?????
I swore that I would never let loose again with any more funny stories on that old scifi Lexx bboard and now the BOY wants me to write another one and post it because he says that Annie has been asking him for one!!!
The woman is practically blind and can't breath. She should be in the hospital and if she is put in the hospital,..it won't be long before they do a "trach-cut-down" on her because her diaphram is failing her!! I am having trouble just catching one of my kitties and bringing the little beast over to lay on her bed and she is asking me for a stupid story.
In the end,..I know that I will write one for her,..and I will post it,..and the BOY will bring it up on his screen and read it to her.
The whole thing makes me feel like shit. I know perfectly well what I will be exposing myself to if I go back and put up a half-way decent story on that bboard. I have been through the whole array of what an unmoderated bboard has to offer: the trolls,..the snobs,..the clowns,..and the people,..whose chief goal in life is to tell you that you could not have possibly done what you have already done.
I also know what this Annie has done for me within my lifetime. She has been one of the sweetest and best friends that I have ever had.
From her bed,..I never knew her when she could stand and walk around,..but from her bed..Annie has made me laugh and cry and sing and given me ideas for stories and reasons for laughing and encouragement. If a scifi story on that old bboard is one of the last things that she ever requests from me,..then. Annie will have her story.

A private chuckle...the signed 2001 copy of "Walking Free: The Nellie Zimmerman Story" is selling in this area for $34 a copy and is increasing in value among private collectors! I am sure that some of the promo copies that I sent out were disposed of by the "..you could not have possibly done that people...".....as "worthless!"

That's ok! We will soon be preparing for the "fifth edition" printing!

Poem For Annie:

I sang one sorry little song

That fell on no one's ears.

You heard my voice and spoke to me

And I forgot my fears.

I lifted hands and sang to you

In my own special way.

You lifted voice and sang to me

And in my heart you'll stay!

Long after your voice has ended

In this world's time rending sphere,

..I'll hear you sing to me

In my long deafened ear.

You've been my friend

Right to the end.

In this world, you've played your part.

I'll never be lonely in a crowd ,

..You're living within my heart!!

(Poem subject to editing!)

I am sitting here in awe and wonder in that people are willing to pay ten dollars apiece to come and hear me speak at a breakfast!! The hall is filled at the M-------- Woman's Club and almost a thousand dollars has been raised already for their "good cause!!"

The company got some excellent publicity yesterday in the Indepentdent but only Rosezelle's picture was shown!! At the library tonight,..a total stranger walked up to me and said, "I think that it should have been your picture in the paper instead of that other lady!!"
I signed her book for her,..but explained that my name is not on the "isbn" number so that I could not be listed as the official author.

"Ptuuuiii!" says the old lady, "I've been reading about you for years in the newspapers and we all know who lived and worked with Nellie!"

I sold all of Shakespeare's books for her and should have a check for her before the first of Oct!! The "girl" can write! :D!

None of this good stuff can change the fact that Annie is passing. I am not her nurse anymore..even though I have agreed to bring some kittens to see her. She still recognizes people.

The little boy...is...heart-broken. Mommy is dying. Last night on the telephone..he asked me...,"Where is God?"

Bill, who was helping me with the phone call,..almost had to leave the room. This child is eleven years old and his mama is dying.

I find myself echoing, "Where is God?"

Grooooaaaaaaan! I was up at three o'clock this morning. I was suposed to speak to a college class this afternoon,..but I don't know if I am going to make it! I'm toooo DAMNED TIRED!!

My friend, Romona, the lady with the post polio syndrome, had to go to the bathroom at three am this morning. Unfortunately,..her pet cat had chewed through the control wires on Ro's electric bed. When Ro tried to put her bed in an upright position,..the head of the bed would not go up!!
Who else gets called but me to come up and get Ro out of bed at three am,..but me? It took me an hour and a half to get Ro out of bed without the use of the lift mechanism of the bed because "Kitty chewed through the wires on the bed's electrical systems!!"
Kitty's fur was fluffed out all over her body,..so later I will check her out and see if she has a burned mouth from chewing electrical wires. Poor kitty! She looks like an "electri-fried" (NOT ELECTIFIED,..BUT FRIED!!) fluff ball. A fanged furry electri-fried ball of fury!!

Ro's muscles in her arms and legs and back are almost totally atrophied from the post-polio syndrome. She can maintain an upright position..once her bed BRINGS her into an upright position, but she does not have the strength in her failing muscles to bring herself into an upright position!!
Even when Romona does obtain an upright position by the use of her electric bed,..it takes her three hours to drag herself from her bed to her wheelchair. Then,..it takes another hour to drag herself onto her toilet and off again.
Once all this is accomplished, Ro usually takes another hour and a half to complete her ADL's (activities of daily living..tooth brushing, washing, dressing..) for the day. She has to wheel herself BACKWARDS..(she does not have the strengh left in her arms to wheel herself in the forward position anymore..so she has learned to wheel herself around her home..backwards..in her wheelchair!!) down her hall in her ranch house from her bedroom to her kitchen where she has a "brunch" around eleven in the morning and begans to clean her house.
Yeeeaaah! Ro actually cleans her own house and it is SPOTLESS!
To do all of this she gets up at five o'clock in the morning!! (I am lazy,..I usually sleep in till around six thirty in the morning every morning!!) When I got up at three this morning to get her out of bed to go to the bathroom,..she just stayed up!! By having me come down and help her get up at three am,..I had just added two hours onto her day!! She intended to enjoy them!!
I won't enjoy anything as I now have to find an electrician, who is willing to fix "cat-chewed" bed wires!! I might also have the privilage of taking Miss Puss to the vet if her poor little kitty mouth has electrical burns!!
Poor Ro was a prisoner in her bed for almost five hours during the blackout in August. If the phones had not been working,..and she had not been able to call me on that terrible night,..she wqould have been a sixteen hour prisoner of her bed!!
My life is BORING?

Annie is dying from Multiple Sclerosis. I have "lost" clients before,...but to have them die....is not my favorite way to lose them,..especially when they are only 44 years old and have a forty year old husband and an an eleven year old boy. I hate MS and the way that it destroys the human body.

At this particular moment,..I even HATE being a nurse. I gave Annie a kitty..to cheer her up one time and we put a little Mexican hat on the cat and then,..on me. Annie laughed for the first time in two years..so her son said, and she was not depressed anymore.

Then,..we went to Arbys and got hot peppers stuffed with cream cheese and tacos from Taco Bell and bought a "pinata" or whatever you call the thing and had an "Ohio-Mexican' party to celebrate the fact that SHE was not going to be sad anymore.

Now,..Annie is drowning in her own mucus,..slowly, and she insists on staying at home because she is afraid to go to the hospital, and her little boy has to watch it happen, and I have to watch it happen because she was not just my client,..but my FRIEND.

How do you tell an eleven year old that mommy is not going to make it.....this time???????? How do you tell a child that his mother is going to die??

All you bright and shining stars out there with witty remarks and proud scarcasm,..tell me what to say to a child..whose mother is dying..when that child's mama should just be preparing for the "best part of her life??"

It has been written before by one wiser than me, but has not evidently been read......:

"To get through this life and see it realistically poses a problem. There is a dark, evil,..hopeless side to life..that includes suffering, death,.. and ultimate oblivion as our earth falls into a dying sun. Nothing really matters. "

"On the other hand,...the best side of our humanity finds us determined to make our lives (sic)...as meaningful as possible NOW;..to defy fate. "

Everything matters. Everything.

"It is easy to become immobilized between these two points of view--to see them both so clearly that one cannot decide what to do or where to be!!
What gives us release from this delima,..is that we, as human beings, are the only creatures in the universe,..who can see how things ARE,...and how THINGS COULD BE!!"

As for me,..I cannot change the things that have already happened. I can affect the results of what has happened...with my opinions and my actions...comfort the folks,..who lost a son in the "tomato lobing" incident in Mt. Hope. And I can affect the future with my own actions.

Right now,..I am busy sitting and waiting. Rosa Parks was busy sitting and waiting..on her bus. Bhudda was busy sitting and waiting under a tree. Jesus sat in a garden and waited. Gandhi sat in a public square and waited!! Mohammed sat and waited in a cave!! I am following an honerable tradition of people, who sat and waited. All of us sitters and waiters have something in common. We were and are waiting on something that we know is going to happen. What could it be?

Opinions won't change what is going to happen. Arguments won't change what is going to happen. Criticisms won't change what is going to happen. A while back,..I got up off my ass,..got tired of some stupid scolds,..and got busy...and ...now I have earned the right to sit and wait and see what the results of my actions are going to be.

I do have a small piece of satisfaction in some of the changes that will take place because of what I have done. No one was hurt by what I have done. No one was made to feel bad by what I have done. I did not have to take advantage of someone else..to make myself feel powerful or important because of what I have done. And if all goes well,..some other folks lives..will be made quite a bit...better!!

The Lexx movie is just a rumour!! Oh well!! As I said yesterday,..it is a loverly "rumour!!" I know that I am not the only Lexx fan, who misses the wonderful "lexxual" humor, that weekly was once dished out to EVERYONE,...on a silver screened platter each Friday night!!

I went back the other night at the instigation of a 'friend' and read some of the "works" of the old fan bboard circa the winter of 2001! ROFLMAO! The SAME people, who used to criticize me for my minor indiscretions wrote "filthier" things than I ever could!!
Of course,..this was the same group of people, who posted and told me that I didn't even have a "published book"...AFTER the book had ALREADY BEEN PUBLISHED and accepted at the Ohio Book Fair and Convention in Wooster and voted one of the best 100 books of the year 2001 in the state of Ohio!!
PERHAPS,...leaving me behind on the old scifi bboard..was..the...best favor that that particular group of folks could have ever done for me. I am not challenged by the standards of that particular group of "Lexx fans"..any more,..but by people like Rosezelle and Daryl,..who have the talent for bringing out the best in every person,..that they come into contact with!!
Rosezelle has said that she IS glad that I finally learned to put my sense of humor,..which I had always before kept in my head and in my practical jokes,..on paper!! I am talking with another contact of mine..about getting my own "disabilities" newspaper column.
Our new children's book has some wonderful illustrations in it!! I don't know if we will be able to keep up with all of the orders for the book! There is a real market for a book that will put children at ease with their disabilities and Daryl did a much better job at picking out the illustrator than I ever could!
All I had to do was to take one look at the woman's pictures!! She was not too good or proud to do a commission for a small publishing house, which specializes in "disabilities" and,..our dollars were just as green and spendable for her as anyone else's dollar bills!
Heh! Daryl's article about our book,.."Nellie's Dance" has brought in nothing but good comments!! It has been suggested that he submit his article to the big "R D!" If that magazine accepts "Nellie's Dance," we will be rolling in publicity....of the national sort!! The man's newspaper column has been attracting some excellent attention in and around Richmond, Indiana and further on out!!

No news yet as to what is happening in the "moviezone!!" I am more excited over the rumor of a Lexx movie! Most likely it IS just a rumor or wishful thinking, but what "loverly"..wishful thinking!!

SONG: Let me sing a song of bigotry!
It's a part of this identity!
It's a part of this identity....
and I do give a DAMN!!!

Place: Restaurant
Time: Summer of 2003
People: Rosezelle,..my friend and client with post polio syndrome and myself sitting at a table in the restarant.

A waitress approaches us.

Waitress,..looking at Rosezelle: And what does your friend in the wheelchair want to order,..ma'am?

Rosezelle, fingerspelling and signing to me: Let's have some fun!!

Rosezelle turns and signs to the waitress: What did you say?

The waitress looks frantically about and turns to me: Are you deaf too? Can you speak?

I answer her: Oui! Je parle bien mais pas en anglais pour vous!!

Waitress throws her pad in the air and runs from our threatewning table!!

(Giggle! This actually happened!!)