Now,...truly,..I have "sinned!" I just ate a whole danged quart of strawberry ice cream! Shame must be castigated upon me!!!!

(Burps politely behind her hand and politely says, "Scusa me!")

Another bad poem:

Fame!

First the rain.

Then,..the flood!

Then,..there there

Comes a sea of MUD!

Probably no one outside of Stark County, Ohio,..except for the lady at Universal Studios, who turned down Walking Free for a movie storyline,..has even heard of the story of Nellie Zimmerman,..the deaf blind lady,..and I am begining to wonder if that is not the way that it should be!!

The factions, gathering in a discussion over one of my favorite scifi stars, are just enough to break my heart. I loved this weird little cult TV show with all of its strangeness and representations of an altogether different view of scifi.

I respect the talent of actors,..who could so very well represent the charactors that they played and in such a manner that my deaf friends and I could with a closed caption unit..understand some of the humor that the show reflects.

There comes a breaking point,..however. A person..is..not... the charactor..that they represent in a make believe TV show or movie.

I realize that I am a charactor in a book about an actual event and that I helped write that book, but I am not the same person, that I was,..when that event took place. I would not want folks discussing my private life..,my really private life and habits,...I talk about things IN my life quite freely in my blogs and in my books,..but what is really private is MINE!!

Can't some folks just learn to appreciate how well that a person is doing their job and separate the actual person from the idealized charactor?

Aaaaaanny way! I guess that I should separate Annie's stories from mine. We made a strange pairing I guess...a mental combination of progressive MS and deafness!

Annie tamed down some of my ideas. I "cut the crap"..out of some of her stories..to say the least!! However after watching and living on an almost daily basis of what she was forced to live with,..I can see where she got her "up-yours" attitude that is evident in some of the stories that we wrote together. I did not face as she did in the same room for five years in a row.

The worst thing that she had to live with was staring at the same four walls of the same room for five long years.,..and seeing the same faces..day..after day...after day...(this is getting trite),,,week after week and then..long year after year!!

I cannot imagine what it was like for Annie to have been physically forced to give up walking in the sunlight with her little boy or husband or give up shopping at the local malls,..or give up her job..she was an LPN,..like myself,..or going to church or going to parties,..or stopping at the local pub and having a beer with her husband!!

I cannnot understand what life was like for a thirty eight year old woman, who in my book, has bearly lived,....when her illness forced her finally down and she could not walk anymore,..to give up an active life and have to spent the rest of her existence in bed!!

And now,..five years later,....at age forty-four years,....she is going to die and her friends and family must watch her mind go.

(Sorry,..I cannot write any more today!)

Annie is no better. I will have to force myself to go and see her. MS,..cancer,..toxic shock syndrom,..whatever...death and disease have no sense of humor!
I STILL maintain that it is NOT "the meaning of life," which in the long run,..that counts...per se,..but the meaning "IN" one's life as one lives one's life,..which really matters!!

What makes one's life...meaningful?

Close family and friends,..who truly care about one another,....as I have truly experienced these things in my life,..I DO know what I am talking about!! I know what I am talking about!!
I still have a hard time believing that that cable company took Annie's webtv away from her. It probably was the only thing that kept her sane for all those years in bed. That and writing those stupid scifi stories,..I guess,..which in the long run were destined to disappear. Once Annie let her imagination run loose,..the two of us came up with some pretty funny stuff!!
While..her mind..is still aware of what is going on,..I will write for her,..I think, the "so-called" chocolate love story,"..which she refused to write for herself.

If anyone had ever told me that anyone's impending.."demise"..could give ME writer's bock,..I would have laughed in their faces.
Even after the mini-stroke that took away my ability to type a year or so ago,..I would have never believed that anything COULD HAVE turned off my flow of "verbage!"
The blank stare on Annie's face...caused by the ravages of the MS and the build-up of MS plaques in her brain...is causing an open oozing...wound on my soul! No wonder I can"t write!

Grooooooooooan! I was accosted by seven senior citizens in a parking lot this morning as I was leaving the appartment of one of my clients.
Two of them met me at the front door as I was leaving the appartment. I tried to go and slip out the back door...with the excuse that I had to go to the bathroom!!
This tactic did not work as there were several little old blue haired "fans"..waiting for me at the rear exit of my client's appartment!!

I signed books,..hugged and kissed everyone,..and left the area..lightened by lack of a handkerchief,..scarf,..and notebook! For people,..who claim that they just..to quote one of them..."love and adore me,"....they certainly don't mind "swiping my belongings!"

One of my Amish friends,..MayAnne Y--- said to me, "And is it true that you been writin' a book and talkin' to the Englischers about here!"
I rolled my eyes at poor MaryAnne and feigned being disgusted with her with a, "Gott im Himmel!"
MaryAnne touched my arm and said to me,.."Oh I'm so sorry! I should have known that you would never do such a "WORLDLY" thing!"

LITTLE DOES SHE KNOW THAT I HAVE "DONE SUCH A WORLDLY THING,"AND WORSE...I PLAY AROUND ON THE INTERNET!

OH! THE HORROR!

(Giggle!)

Annie,..reduced to laying on a bed...no money in her pockets..(money is useless to her now)...relying on others for her basic needs...is giving us all...the greatest gift, that we can give one another as human beings,...she is giving us the Gift of Herself!

Annie is awake and moving about and even complaining! I was questioning the purpose of what she was living for. Now,..I know the WHY of what she was living,..she is still alive so that those around her can appreciate every lingering moment of her very precious life!

This story of the BOY'S is almost too much for even me to believe. I will go tonight and have a look at her and visit with her. The last time that I was with Annie,..I could not rouse her and she did not seem to know who even her husband was.
I am still questioning why in this world a person of only forty-four years has to be in this condition. I am quesioning why there has to be such a disease as Multiple Sclerosis. And as usual,..I do not expect any answers.

We got the grant. but we have to be careful how we spend it!! Rosezelle is going to doooooooooooole it out as she sees fit!! (jokey....There goes my free trip to Hawaii! Siiigh!) anyway,..we have the grant money and I have a feeling that it is going into the big pot with the name of MARKETING!!
I have to go to Columbus, Ohio in another week or so to meet up with the Governor's Council on People with Disabilities and with some other folks,.who will be working on some projects with me!
On the good news front,..Annie's BOY still reads that old scifi bboard and keeps up with the comments on it!! I got involved in a "discussion" about poetry with another person on the board and the BOY printed it off and read it to his mom!!
Wooooooooooot!
The BOY was laughing and crying as he called me last night,.."Mom got so riled up over that lady's answer to you that she tried to sit up and drank some hot cocoa and ate part of a chopped meat sandwich!! Em,..you had better answer that lady and make your answer good! Yeah,..mom threw up most of what she ate,..but..this is the first time that she has shown any response to ANYTHING in almost three days!"

I was floored!

Power is not found in taking advantage of others, but in giving others an advantage. To some that statement will sound really "corny," but it is a true statement. That is why I like my friend's idea of looking at talented high school and college kids and giving them good something to put on their resumes.

The hardest part in the "so-called" arts is getting started. A person going into an agency with credit for having illustrated one book under his or her belt..has a better chance than going in "cold!"

Heh! Can you picture this: the "disabled" empowering the able-bodied! I bet some folks that I know are "writhing in horror" at that thought!!

TO THE FOLKS THAT NEED THAT FIRST PAID CHANCE,...it doesn't matter if Rosezelle hears every word that they say,..or if Daryl can't walk straight or really see them as more than a blur,..or if I forget their names twenty million times..work is work and a showcase for their talents is a much needed advantage.

Poem for Annie:

In this vast and terrible place..

That houses the whole human race..

Is there one tiny corner or one spot..

Where a person doesn't have to be what they are not?

(poem to be con't at a later date)

Annie's condition has stabilized and she will not die tomorrow,but she probably will not live out the year. Her son wants her to live until Christmas.

I am stopping my mouth and not telling the child that Christmas in her condition will probably just be the same as any other day. She can still recognize people and is making me feel like shit as she looks at me and blurts out,.."Liar! No story yet!!"

Maybe that is what is keeping her alive. She always did like to torment me in a 'good way!"

Life goes on again in it's own unhurried way. No more speaking engagements for at least another month, which is fine with me. We have one more "meeting" with a "club" lady on Sunday and who knows what will be the outcome of it. I am fairly certain that we will be speaking to the group and we should get more interests drummed up in all of the books put out so far.

If I don't have enough material for the paper on "repetitive behaviors in group dynamics" paper,..this time around,...I will be very surprised. Everything is super well documented under extremely controlled conditions and this will be the third time around.

The thesis:

Human beings and other mammals--(common house cat--felix domestcata..or whatever??), drawn together under a common rallying point,..just keep repeating their same patterns of behavior over and over again as long as they think that the behavior works...to preserve their group integrity.
Getting it all on paper is going to be a little.....harder than I thought. After working on this for almost two and a half years,.I find myself still liking..the cats!

A person..can either be a DREAM MAKER or a DREAM BREAKER. A DREAM MAKER helps other people reach their goals in life and better themselves. A DREAM BREAKER preys on the weaknesses of others,..manipulates them,..and leaves them with broken and damaged lives..and sometimes the victims of such people do not even realize what is happening to them. Perhaps,..soon,..I can be a DREAM MAKER for a few folks.

Wednesday morning again! It's the first of October and I keep asking myself,..Where does all of time go so fast and where is it all going?
Is time just an illusion and what we consider time just an indication of changes in our own frail and fragile human bodies?
Is time.."the passing that lasts?"

...(again,..English speakers may not get the conotation.)